Activity #23

As Mothers and Fathers, from the day our babies are born, we dedicate our lives to protecting and caring for them. An instinctual air comes over us, and we are never the same again. If they get sick, we do everything to make them feel better. If they fall down and bleed, we do what it takes to heal them. If you want to to tear a parent's heart open, make them the decision makers of HOW pain should be administered to their child. Not IF, but HOW, and WHEN. Better yet, have them be the ones to inflict the pain.

One of the many things I have had to watch my sister and brother-in-law do to make Hayden "better" is them giving her a shot that she has to have for 10 days after she has chemotherapy. I don't pretend to understand all of the "whys", but unfortunately, the "whats" are not passing me by without notice.

 I have been on the sidelines while she received a couple of them, as cheerleader, assistant and Aunty, but have yet to have to do it (even though I learned how). This "pleasure" has so far been reserved for Hayden's parents. This alone is enough to make a loving parent want to scream. Pair that with the chemotherapy that is nothing short of poison, that they have had watch drip into their daughter's veins, and you can only imagine.

On a well needed break from the hospital yesterday, I went with Jennifer to the mall to buy a father's day gift. While there, she saw a pair of jeans she really liked. As is the trend, they were ripped and distressed looking...we joked that we could do that to some of our jeans, and we should just borrow some of the chemo drugs and pour them on the pants to do the trick. This is not too far from the truth. If you have ever seen the side effects of these drugs, you would agree.

The "dessert" in this regime is radiation. This has been the evil twin to the chemo, as it has created complications which have kept Hayden in the hospital during what should be her "off" days before the next round of chemotherapy. Since she is still in the hospital, she must arrive to the radiation center by ambulance. This was an experience that she disliked very much, until she realized that the ambulance drivers and paramedics that assist her are primarily young, handsome men! I mean really people, she is almost 13, and she is sick, not dead! She has a couple of favorites, and not coincidentally, they are very cute. To top it off, when she gets to the appointment, they are usually playing her favorite Justin Beiber song while she gets her treatment. She lays on a board and has her face screwed down to the board by a mesh mask that she has to wear. All of this takes place in a huge, loud cylinder that would scare a perfectly healthy adult. The reward for this is a throat coated with sores that keep you from being able to swallow anything. And when that happens, the prize is a feeding tube shoved into your nose and down into your stomach. If this doesn't sound like enough fun, just about every night, you have so much stuff that doesn't belong in your stomach, that you get to throw up not only the unwelcome contents, but the feeding tube as well.To top it off, just in case you forgot how fun it was, the real BONUS PRIZE is that you get  to have it inserted back into your nose!

I would be remiss if I did not point out that given the opportunity to complain, she usually doesn't. Instead, she worries about us.  Makena, my daughter,  got strep throat last week, and one of the first things she asked me when I came in to visit her at the hospital was how Makena was feeling. When I said better, she said an enthusiastic "GOOD!" and looked noticeably relieved. Even on a day when she felt good enough to play a Sponge Bob operation game, she could be heard comforting Sponge Bog while she took out his funny bone. "It's gonna' be alright, you're done! Is it hard buddy boy?"

To bring it all home, when she made her Father's Day card for her dad, she wrote: "I love you. I am sorry you feel bad about me." She is worried about us worrying about her. Really? Yes. Really. That's Hayden. Her heart is bigger and purer than could be imagined, and one of the many reasons you can fall in love with her in an instant. She gives our world a 4th dimension, and we wouldn't want to live in a 3 dimensional world again for all of the riches of this earth. She makes us laugh until we cry, and cry until we laugh.

And sometimes she just goes into her brother's room, and puts on his clothes just because she can. Complete with beenie, shorts, t-shirt, and shoes!

On a "good" day, after being subjected to the many tortures of her hospital stay, she was found in this garb, warning her Webkins friend that he was "going down!" Whatever works to get your frustrations out, baby girl. Whatever works! Trust me, if we could stand in her stead right now, and take the punches for her, I think that there would be a line of volunteers. For whatever reason, it falls on her to survive this with her heart still in tact. Why? Because she can handle it, and still see the world as a good place to live in. I can't say I would be as gracious. Another of the many lessons that she has taught me. I have so many more to learn from you Hayden, before I can even begin to be close to having your amazing strength and attitude. So many more....